


Damn You Look Good And I'm Drunk

by orphan_account



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Gay Drama, M/M, No Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-13 09:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9118222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hollywood Undead had planned a chill night out, getting wasted, having a good time.Alcohol was always known for making them lose their minds, but honestly, they didn’t expect Charlie to start a heated make out session with their drummer in the middle of the dance floor. While both enjoyed their time, the next morning, a strong hangover and blackouts (or amnesia) later, alcohol leaves a devastated drummer, a confused rapper and four annoyed band mates who just want to get over the oblivious fighting.-Title stolen from the song by Cobra Starship





	1. Shut Up And Dance With Me

**Author's Note:**

> On my advent calendar for Hollywood Undead, someone left a comment that inspired me to do this ... I try to write this one regularly since it's already planned through, but I can't promise anything.

After a finished show in Austin, Texas, the six guys were all tired, ready to fall into their bunks and go to sleep immediately, but how uncool would that be? They were rappers after all, they were supposed to drink and party all night long, not live a healthy life with nine hours of sleep every day. So that was exactly what they were going to do, quickly changing out of their sweaty show clothes, and piling out of the bus again to look around for the most fascinating club in quick walking distance, after Johnny reminded them they would have to find their way back when they were shitfaced. Of course, other bands had body guards to ensure a safe return, but Jimmy had just given up on that, telling them over and over again that he would not give a fuck about where they were as long as they turned up to concerts. And they had learned with Deuce that even if they didn’t show up, he wasn’t worried, but pissed and ready to lecture them about punctuality and responsibility. Since then, Johnny and Danny, the two dads, made sure they were six when they were leaving the club … that of course had again some disadvantages: one time they had spent two hours looking for J-Dog until Danny remembered the rapper was sick on the bus. This time, the lead singer looked around his band, made sure everyone was there and made a note in his phone, simply saying 6. Even if he was drunk, he should be able to open his notebook and see the number. Then, he could check if they were complete before trotting (or stumbling) back to the bus. He also set an alarm for 1 o’clock, because they were supposed to travel on towards the next city at 3 a.m., and Danny already blocked one hour alone for finding everyone in the club and call Jimmy to make sure nobody was already on the bus. Then one hour for them to find the way back, including wrong directions, falling and even injured or passed out band members. Jimmy warned them not to call him unless one of them actually had to go to a hospital for a severe injuryor alcohol poisoning. 

After one last look at his phone, Danny decided that everything important was prepared, he gave them a small nod, entering the club they had looked out. However, he didn’t plan the events of that night …

-

Downing yet another shot of Tequila, Charlie grinned at his drummer and slung his arm around the taller one’s shoulders. 

“Yo, Kurlzz, let’s hit the dance floor!”, he slurred, not waiting for a reply or noticing the looks his band mates gave him as he pulled the drummer along with him. Not that DaKurlzz didn’t want to dance, but he feared his and Charlie’s mind were clouded from the alcohol and they would start something stupid.  
Actually, it wasn’t even a question if they would start something, but more likely how it would affect their lives. 

-

After half an hour of dancing together, dancing turned into grinding, but Charlie and DaKurlzz didn’t seem to mind, both completely lost in their own little party. The DJ decided that it was time to slow down again, starting to play an old love song. Danny and J-Dog, who were watching the dance floor (or more likely if all of their band members were still alive), expected Charlie and DaKurlzz to leave the dance floor again, since they almost always got annoyed by the love songs, but both band members didn’t seem to be going. Instead, Charlie wrapped his arm around the drummer’s waist, pulling him closer. DaKurlzz obviously was surprised by the action, but didn’t resist, leaning down a little until their lips connected. They were drunk. They weren’t dancing to the beat anymore. But they couldn’t care less.

-

Danny and J-Dog glanced at each other, before looking back to the two making out like their lives depended on it. 

“Do you see what I see?”, the singer asked quietly. 

J-Dog nodded slowly, taking a large sip of his beer.

“Glad to know I’m not too drunk or drugged.” 

The Costa Rican grinned, before nodding and waving Johnny over who was getting new drinks for everyone. Funny Man was standing at the bar, trying to flirt with some blonde, but when he saw Danny and J-Dog, he shook her off, following Johnny to the booth. 

“What’s going on?”, the blue-masked rapper asked, but apparently realised quickly that his question was unnecessary when he glanced at the dance floor, where his best friends seemed to be having the time of their lives. 

“Hot damn …”, Funny Man mumbled, smirking. 

“What do you think? Will they remember anything tomorrow?”, Danny asked. 

“DaKurlzz for sure. He never drinks enough to black out. I’m not so sure about Charlie, but he’s so horny, he should know when he got some …”, Johnny responded slowly, knowing that if only one of them remembered, the tour would get really annoying for everybody else.

-

When they stumbled back on the bus, Danny had to help and drag J-Dog who after watching the make-out session had started drinking stronger alcohol to “forget the image of his bros having sex on the dance floor”. Johnny carried Funny Man, who was totally shitfaced, but the blue-masked rapper had to lean against the walls from time to time for more support. DaKurlzz and Charlie were holding onto each other tightly, giggling like little teenage girls.  
“They can’t forget that”, J-Dog mumbled quietly, “they are made for each other.” 

Danny smirked, nodding slowly. 

“Soulmate bros for life.”  
“What?”  
“Well, made for each other sounds like something Charlie would disagree with because it sounds too gay for his poor little ears.”  
“He’s too gay for himself.”  
That was when Charlie stumbled forwards leaning towards J-Dog simply to exclaim: “I’m not gay!”

And only Johnny noticed the flash of hurt on DaKurlzz face, before the drummer pulled the rapper back and kissed him again, passionately.

“Maybe I’m a little gay …”


	2. My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark

_POV: DaKurlzz_

Groaning in pain, I opened my eyes to look at my closed bunk curtains. My head was killing me, but I didn’t dare to stand up and get some pain killers, knowing that the sun light would burn even more. Instead of moving, I let my mind wander off, remembering last night. I had been drunk, but not shitfaced, so I remembered most of it very clearly, including a rather intimate scene on the dance floor. The image of Charlie pressed close to my chest flashed again before my eyes and the taste of his lips. Or well, the taste of the cheap tequila on his lips I should say. It was funny to think that the one who called me gay all the time was the one to make the first move. I simply hoped that he would still remember that. I didn’t care if he knew who he was, but I knew that if he forgot, I would never bring up the courage to tell him or make my own move when he was sober. So what if all the gay jokes were real. Why did you think they hurt so bad? I didn’t care that he was making fun of me, but I kinda had hoped he would show some support when I came out when we were all still teenagers. Nobody else gave a shit. Of course, they winked at me when a hot guy passed us or joked about me being gay from time to time, but I wasn’t their only victim. Charlie, however, seemed to love nothing more than humiliating me and I wasn’t talking about the jokes in front of the band, but the ones on stage. The ones in interviews. Basically all the ones that were blasted to the world. I didn’t want everyone to know, but he couldn’t respect that for once. 

-

I was ripped out of my thoughts when Danny pulled back the curtains, laughing at my expression.

“Morning Kurlzz. Hangover kicking in yet?”

“Fuck you.” 

The lead singer shook his head and pressed two small painkillers into my hand. 

“I changed my mind. You’re an angel.” 

Danny chuckled, giving me a full bottle of water when I swallowed the pills.  
“I figured you were in need for this stuff and everyone else is sitting in the lounge already.”

“By everyone I suppose you mean everyone but Charlie …” 

“Oh no, he’s there. He’s grumpy, but he’s there.” 

Now that was a real newsflash, Charlie being awake and out of the bunk before me. He usually liked to say that everyone up before 3p.m. was a pussy. It certainly couldn’t be that late yet.

“What time is it?” 

“About 12p.m.. He only got up because nobody brought him painkillers and you know he can be a whiney little bitch.”

Nodding slowly, I started to smile at the thought of him looking like Danny’s daughter when she was told to get to bed in the evening. 

“Did he say anything?”  
“About your little sexy time on the dance floor? No.” 

I blushed immediately. 

“You saw?” 

“Dude, you were in the middle of the dance floor. Everybody saw.” 

Groaning quietly, I hid my face in the pillow, only making Danny grin even wider. I knew that I couldn’t really complain, after making sure that on his wedding, he knew we all saw his interest in his wife. He still hated all of us for that. 

“But do you think he …?”  
“Honestly? I don’t know. He was pretty shitfaced. But on the other hand, he waits to be laid all the time, so he should really remember when he almost gets some.”

-

Danny was wrong. When I talked to Charlie later, he stared at me as if he’d seen a ghost. He didn’t remember a single thing. Not that we were dancing, certainly not that we were making out.  
“I guess I got gay when I was drunk”, he chuckled awkwardly, not meeting my eyes. 

“You can’t be fucking serious now.”  
“Look, I’m sorry, gay boy, I know that what I did was an asshole move, but there’s nothing to it.” 

“Good to know you give a fuck”, I mumbled before turning away, leaving him alone without a single care in the world. If he didn’t think I was important in any way, why should I keep up with him? He didn’t say anything as I walked back to my bunk, laying down and closing the curtains. I didn’t need to see anybody at the moment, I wanted to be left alone. But of course the rest of the band didn’t respect that. Only half an hour after I stormed off, J-Dog pulled the curtain open, looking me over quickly. 

“Hey, Charlie said you might need someone to talk to.”   
“Leave me alone.”  
“You can choose who to talk to, but I ain’t leaving you alone.” 

I stared at him, hoping he wouldn’t see the tears brimming in my eyes. The pitied look in his eyes told me he noticed immediately. 

“Just fuck off. I don’t need anybody.”  
“We both know that’s a load of bullshit.”

“Okay, let me fill you in shortly: The guy I’ve been crushing on since I was around 20 years old asked me to dance with him and started to make out with me in front of fucking everybody in a club. I was the happiest man on earth. And then I wake up with a hangover, loving nobody more than Danny because he brings me painkillers and just when I remember Charlie again and his perfection, then he tells me he doesn’t remember shit, that it doesn’t mean anything, that he just played with me and that he isn’t gay at all unless he is wasted. My best friend and crush basically told me that I was worthless for ever having hope that not everything would go wrong immediately. So thank you for asking, I am feeling completely awful and that won’t change because someone is sitting next to me. Please just close the curtains, leave me along and only come to me again if you have actual good news.”

J-Dog stared at me sympathetically, before pulling my covers up to my chin, ruffling my hair and wiping away two stray tears that had found their way onto my cheeks. 

“I’m sorry”, he whispered, backing off again and closing the curtains leaving me to my own thoughts


	3. Shout At The Devil

_POV: Charlie Scene_

Something was wrong with DaKurlzz. Okay, I wasn’t playing the idiot now, I knew what it was. And it was completely my fault. I shouldn’t have let myself go that easily, drink so much and take my horny teenager inside out on him. He was gay and it was also kinda obvious that he needed a boyfriend, he was desperate. So desperate that he would even go out with me for God’s sake. I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend, not even close to it. I could never keep my eyes to myself, there was no way that would change in a relationship. Everything romantic would be a joke to me, but somehow DaKurlzz actually looked hurt when I told him I didn’t remember that night. He said we were making out, and we probably did, but I just didn’t remember anything else than the first trail of shots J-Dog bought. So thanks to drunk me, our drummer was bitching around, staying in his bunk. I hadn’t talked to him since yesterday at all, I hadn’t even seen him around. He didn’t come out to eat, to drink or anything else. Probably J-Dog or Danny brought him something to his bunk, they had been going there quite often, but I figured that I shouldn’t investigate that further. Not like Kurlzz would want to see me anyways …

“What happened with you?”, Johnny suddenly asked, sitting down on the couch next to me. His look already told me that he knew everything and was pretty pissed at me. 

“Apparently, drunk me and Kurlzz made out, but I honestly can’t remember shit. Must be hard for him.” 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

I probably said the wrong thing once again, because my band mate stared at me like he was thinking of a way how to kill me as quickly yet most terrifying as possible. 

“I saw what you two did in the club and that you both enjoyed it, but now you act like you didn’t. At least you aren’t denying you were rather grinding than dancing, but don’t say that you don’t know how much this meant for him. He’s having a hard time already with you making fun of him in public all the time, now you have to make it even worse? Do you want to lose him as a friend? You’re so lucky he can’t hate you that easily, because I would totally understand him. Just tell him that you enjoyed it! I don’t care if you remember or not, but we’re still on tour in one fucking bus and I won’t watch him destroy himself over one night in the club. Tell him he’s a great kisser, make him smile, dammit joke about yourself in front of him. Show him that you care to keep him around!”

“But I don’t mean to hurt him!”, I complained halfheartedly, knowing that it wouldn’t be enough for Johnny.

“You don’t mean to, you don’t mean to … I know, dude! But does he? Have you ever shown him in any way that you don’t hate him? Have you ever explicitly told him that no matter how much you joke, you aren’t a homophobe? Does he know that? Or do you simply expect him to?”   
“See? If I never told him, wouldn’t it be strange if I did now?”   
“Charlie, just because you fucked up for years doesn’t mean it isn’t time to apologise.”   
I gave up fighting him in any way, I knew that he would win. I couldn’t argue for shit at the moment, I fucked up badly and he knew it as well as I did. Of course I liked DaKurlzz, he was my best friend, but Johnny was right, I had never shown or said it. I should’ve made clear that he was my bro back when he first came out, to show him I didn’t mind, that I didn’t care about his sexuality. I honestly didn’t. It didn’t matter to me if he was gay, bi or pan. Okay, it would’ve been devastating if he was straight, because even if I wouldn’t say I had a crush on him, I definitely liked him a little more than the others, who I wouldn’t hesitate to call my best mates as well. We were a band, we all were close to each other, but somehow I always wanted to catch DaKurlzz’ attention. Therefore, I told all the jokes, mocked him, I wanted him to stare at me. I didn’t care what he thought of me, as long as he noticed me. Being hated wasn’t as bad as being invisible.

“You’re right, but isn’t it too late already?”   
Visibly proud of himself for making me reflect about the issue, Johnny shook his head. 

“It’s never too late, bro. Not as long as Kurlzz is still in the band, still hanging out with us and not trying to jump out of the window.”   
“He would never top himself!”, I exclaimed, even though my mind was starting to fear his life. I didn’t talk to him in a serious matter, so why would I know what Kurlzz was feeling, if he would jump off a cliff if given the chance. I quickly realised that I didn’t know shit other than he was annoyed by gay jokes and that he in fact was gay. Oh, and that he had curly hair and played the drums. 

“I’m not saying he will, at least I hope that, but honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on in his head and neither do you. I guess you would have to ask Danny or Jay about something like that, they could read the signs.”   
“Should I talk to them first?”  
“About what? Do you want Jay if Kurlzz is suicidal before apologising? Of course you can ask them how your chances are that Kurlzz will scream at you or try to cut your throat, but don’t ask them what’s going on inside of him, not yet. You can ask them after you’ve spoken to him.” 

“Well … then I need to talk to him now!”


	4. I'm (Not) Okay

_POV: DaKurlzz_

I didn’t want to get out of bed today either, but I felt like I had to. Not because J-Dog or Danny would force me to, but I felt too useless just laying here, even though there was no better way to avoid Charlie the whole day. Or so I thought. Because just as I sat up to wake my mind up a little, when Charlie pulled my curtains back, looking at me. What was he doing here? Couldn’t he just leave me alone for a few days, at least when I was in bed? 

“What do you want?”  
Charlie flinched when I looked at him, but didn’t back off. Fucker. Now he actually expected me to talk to him? What did I have to say? That I was madly in love with him? That I wanted to fuck him right then and now? I obviously couldn’t say anything like that. So what did he want from me? I didn’t do anything wrong! Did he expect me to apologise to him for kissing him when he was drunk. I wasn’t sober either, I wouldn’t have been allowed to drive or judge in any legal sense so why should I be able to be responsible for a harmless action like this? 

“I just want to talk.”   
Talk about what? Rub it into my face that he didn’t like me? That he hated me? That he wanted me to quit the band because he thought a faggot was more disgusting than Deuce? Was I worse than him? Was it so wrong to be gay? It wasn’t like I chose to prefer boys, it just happened somehow. I just realised some day that I couldn’t stand kissing girls, but had no problem about it with boys. Don’t ask me how I realised that, but it had a lot to do with alcohol and drinking games. 

“Say it already!”, I hissed angrily, even though he wasn’t a part of my inner monologue and probably had no clue about what I was talking about. I didn’t care. 

“Say what?”   
“Say that you hate me. I know. Shit, I know. Don’t you think I understand? Of course I do! I’m a fucking disaster, why would you want to keep me around? I can pack later, just let me wake up fully okay? I’ll be gone by the time the sun goes down, don’t worry …”   
Charlie sat down next to me, looking as shocked as possible for him. 

“What the fuck are you talking about, Matty? I ain’t kicking you out of the band! Did you actually think I’d hate you? Damn it, I’m so fucking sorry! I never meant to hurt you that much! I thought we were best friends, man, I thought … Fuck it, it doesn’t matter what I thought, but you should know that I wouldn’t kick you out for kissing me when we were in a club. We were both drunk as fuck. Besides, I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy it … I mean, I don’t remember, but I would know if it sucked, right? And Johnny said we both looked into it, so really, it couldn’t be that bad … I would never dream of kicking you out for making me enjoy an evening. I don’t care that we looked gay as fuck, I don’t care that the whole band saw, I don’t care if paparazzi saw, I don’t care what the club thinks of us and I certainly don’t give a shit if you kissed me as a gay man or as a straight guy. I don’t care! I joke about kissing Johnny all the time, damn, I kiss Johnny all the time, Danny gets all clingy when he’s drunk, I’m certainly not homophobic! I actually came here to apologise to you and make sure you weren’t about to jump out of a window, because apparently I’ve done a pretty shitty job as a best friend until now. So I should also make clear that in my eyes, you are my closest friend and I would crash and burn without you.” 

I slowly looked up at the rapper who smiled softly, after finishing the longest and most serious speech I’d ever heard of him. Partially I had no idea what he was talking about, why he thought he was a bad friend, but I figured that one of the guys (probably Johnny) had talked to him before. I felt kinda bad for him, now. But most of all, I was relieved. Relieved that he didn’t kick me out, that he didn’t hate me, that he didn’t have an actual problem with me being gay. It was like after years of insecurity, you find the one light that keeps you going again.

“I don’t think you were a bad friend …”, I offered quietly and he chuckled.   
“Damn it, in all these years, don’t you think I should’ve said once that I didn’t mock you because I hated you?” 

I shrugged, never having thought about it. Of course, it would’ve been nice to hear it, but as long as he didn’t kick me out or destroyed my friendship with the other guys, I didn’t care. Maybe I would’ve trusted him more if he hadn’t acted the way he had, but in the end, it only would have started to make my life miserable sooner. I would’ve liked him earlier. Probably even back in the days when I was completely insecure about my sexuality and my life all together. Sure, I could’ve said I was in love with my best friend then, but if I took a closer look at it, it would’ve killed me. It would have been the last push off the edge for me. Of course I would never admit it to him or anybody else, but I thought that him being an asshole actually saved my life. 

“You know, I think it’s kinda cute.”  
“What?”, I asked, confused. 

“Well, that when you were drunk, you didn’t grab some hot chick and dragged her to the bathroom, but danced and made out with me. Nice to know that drunk you cares more about your homie than about your dick. Good that we both know it didn’t mean anything, we were drunk. Now that you know you’re still my homie and I know that you don’t want to cut my dick off, let’s go back to how things were before and enjoy our lives. See you around, Kurlzz.” 

Just when I thought I would smile again, he punched me straight in the face, even though not literally. He jumped off the bed, grinning widely and going back into the lounge, leaving me to fall back onto my pillows, punching the mattress until my hand hurt and grab the bottle of vodka standing next to my bunk, ready to drown myself in the alcohol. Maybe then it would hurt less.


	5. What I've Done

_POV: Charlie Scene_

Seeing as DaKurlzz didn’t turn up later that day or any time soon for that matter, I had probably said the wrong thing once again. How could I be wrong apologising? Like really, what the fuck did I do this time? Had I not made clear that he was my best friend and that I needed him or that I didn’t give a shit about what he did in a club no matter how embarrassing it must’ve been for him? Did he honestly still hate me?

So apparently Johnny’s talk couldn’t help me, Kurlzz still hated me and didn’t understand that wanted to make it up to him again. This time, I had to ask someone else. Funny Man was nobody to talk to if it was getting serious, J-Dog was way too much on DaKurlzz’ side and he had different stuff to worry about when I thought about the latest lyrics he wrote. So there was only one person left: Danny. I wasn’t sure about asking him, because Danny usually was stressed out from touring and didn’t need to hear me complain about stupid shit. But on the other hand, he was serious and competent enough to give me some advise. 

-

I found Danny sitting in the lounge, listening to music and nodding his head slightly to the beat. He didn’t notice me at all, until I tapped his shoulder repeatedly. 

“Charlie? What do you need?”, he asked, not sounding annoyed, but more likely concerned. 

“Can I talk to you for a second?” 

The singer nodded quickly and put away his headphones.

“Sure thing. Everything okay?”  
“Obviously not. I mean, I wouldn’t interrupt your music time with no reason at all …”, I started, ignoring the weird look he was giving me. I knew that I would totally disturb my band mates without thinking about it, when I was bored or drunk. Or both of course. “Just don’t say anything and hear me out, okay?”

I waited until Danny nodded slowly, before continuing again: “You probably have seen what DaKurlzz and I did in the club, so I don’t have to explain that to you, but well, Johnny told me I acted like a dick and I knew that he was totally right, so I went up to DaKurlzz and apologised. You know, the full thing, that he was my best friend no matter what and that the drunk kiss in the club didn’t change that at all. That it was no big deal for me … and I really thought that he would be feeling better now and get up maybe, eat something real and hang out with us again, but he obviously doesn’t, so … what did I do wrong now?”   
Danny was already smiling to himself. Dickhead. I came to him for advise, not for him to mock me …

“You actually said that the kiss didn’t mean anything?”   
“Yes. Pretty exactly that. What else was I supposed to say?” 

“How about something to actually cheer him up more? I mean, you apologised, that’s good, but you kinda brought him down to earth again. He wanted it to mean something. He didn’t kiss you just because he was drunk and horny. Can you even think of him wanting you to enjoy your time around him. He doesn’t want to hear that whenever he shares a more private moment with you, you don’t care about it. He wants you to value your time together without stupid jokes.” 

“I can’t follow.”   
“I know, Charlie, I know. But trust me, saying that you didn’t give a shit was the wrong thing. He wants this night to be important to you, just like it is for him.”

I looked at Danny with raised eyebrows, noticing the small smile playing with the corners of his lips. He didn’t look like he was mocking me, but he somehow enjoyed the talk. I was in deep trouble and he enjoyed it! What the fuck had I done to him now?

“Why are you smiling?”   
“You’re so oblivious to the world. DaKurlzz doesn’t hate you, he wants you. He’s crushing on you so badly and everybody but you can see it. Total strangers could probably tell … but you still think that he’s embarrassed by kissing you. He isn’t. He’s mad at himself because you don’t want it and he hoped that you would.” 

“He’s not crushing on me! How could he? I’m no boyfriend material!” 

“That’s what you say, but does he? I don’t know, man, but I don’t think DaKurlzz needs someone to buy him roses on the anniversary, but somebody who stays close to him. For him, you are more than enough. The only thing he hates about you is that you don’t take him seriously.” 

“But I do! I value nobody’s opinion more than his!”   
“Okay, maybe you do, but that doesn’t stop you from making jokes about him.”  
“There’s no joke! He is gay!”   
Danny sighed quietly, pushing some lost hair out of his face, before looking at me.

“Yes, we know. But that doesn’t mean you have to shout it to the world. That doesn’t mean you have to make fun of him all the time. He deserves a break, don’t you think? He has the biggest crush possible on you and you turn him down all the time. I don’t want you to tell him something that isn’t true, but give him a minute to breathe.”   
“Are you sure?”  
The singer sighed, but shook his head. 

“I’m not sure about anything at the moment. You and Kurlzz are having the biggest bitch fight in the universe, Johnny’s kinda off all the time, J-Dog is … I don’t know about him yet, but I have to stay close to him for now. Everything is going crazy, so please, don’t ask me if I’m sure about anything. I’m not. But you have no clue on what to do and I have some idea, so how about you just trust me for a second and don’t question everything I do?”   
“So simply give him some time and then do something totally nice for him and not say anything about not caring about him, right?”   
Danny simply nodded, smiling softly, before patting my shoulder.   
“I think you’ll figure something out.   
Well, I was sure I wouldn’t.


	6. Mr Brightside

_POV: DaKurlzz_

No matter how much I argued with Danny about it, he forced me to actually get up in the morning, because we had an interview and somehow the singer was convinced that I had to be there (even though I rarely talked). Danny said that he didn’t say anything either, so that was no excuse for me not to see the sun once in a while. So now I was sitting here on the edge of a couch, close to Danny just to avoid Charlie again, trying to focus on anything but the cameras or the interviewer, even though he was extremely nice and chill with original questions. 

“So, DaKurlzz, I haven’t talked to you yet, what do you think of the stages here with the economically friendlier lights? Do you even notice they’re dimmer or do you not care?”, he suddenly asked, looking at me. Was he trying to engage everyone in the room in the interview? On the one hand, I was kinda annoyed that I had to think, but on the other hand it was nice to have an interviewer to care about all band members. 

“Uhm, honestly, I don’t notice it much. Behind the drum set I can’t really see the lighting, I just feel the heat and there’s less of that here, which is cool. We don’t get as sweaty and gross as quickly. So yeah, I kinda like that and I don’t know, I haven't noticed any negative aspects for the shows yet.”

The interviewer nodded slowly and smiled.   
“That sounds great. So where are you going next?”

This time, Charlie answered again, making me tune out again. Sure, I could also take part in the conversation, but let’s be honest, why would I do that? Just to hear the stupid gay jokes again? No thanks! But of course nobody was surprised by my silence, being used to me not being too keen on interviews. However, I couldn’t shake off the feeling someone was staring at me, but the interviewer was constantly talking to the others, only glancing at Danny and me ever so often to make sure we were still there and awake. I was probably imagining things again, just like I had imagined that Charlie wouldn’t break my heart. But suddenly, Danny gently nudged my side, smirking. The interview wasn’t over so what the fuck did he want. Raising my eyebrows at him, I noticed his smirk growing, then he slightly nodded towards Charlie. It was only then that I noticed my mind hadn’t been fooling me, but that my band mate was the one watching me, whilst answering the questions. When he saw that I was looking back at him, however, he quickly looked down, ignoring me completely again. What was wrong with him?

Instead of bothering to look into it longer, I shrugged and leaned against Danny who grinned at me. The interviewer noticed us and chuckled.

“Getting tired of me already?”   
“Nah, but Danny is comfortable.”   
The singer laughed quietly, but didn’t push me off. Apparently, the interviewer was content with that answer, as he smiled and just moved on, back to Johnny and Charlie who were talking about some of the meanings of our new songs. Not having anything else to think about for now, I tuned back in on the conversation.

“So this is about an ex-girlfriend or …?”

“Actually, not really. I guess, I thought more of Johnny boy here and how he simply won’t agree to go on a date with me!”, Charlie joked, or at least I hoped he was joking.  
“Yeah, I just don’t wanna go on a date with a guy who can’t control himself when he gets drunk”, Johnny went along, making the interviewer grin, but Danny simply pulled me just a little bit closer. Charlie, however, thought that he needed to push further, grabbing Johnny’s shoulder and pecking his cheek. 

“I might change my mind.”   
“You and me. Del Taco. At 6”, Charlie exclaimed, letting Johnny peck him on the lips before they both turned back to the interviewer.   
“You were saying?”

I couldn’t stand their flirting anymore. I had hated it when it started and I still did. I knew that Johnny wouldn’t go out with Charlie or anything like that, but that didn’t stop me from feelin like complete shit. Of course, Danny knew, but there was nothing he could do here. He couldn’t break off the interview for no fucking reason at all just like that. But that didn’t mean that I would stay and watch. 

“Excuse me for a minute, I have to pee”, I mumbled out a lame excuse while standing up and leaving the room, feeling Danny’s eyes on me. I knew he wanted to follow me, but he couldn’t really say he had to assist me on the toilet. Although of course I wasn’t going to the bathroom, but stormed outside. In the light of a street lantern, I thought about just having a smoke and then go back, to see if Charlie had calmed down again. But then again, why should I run back to them? I would only become miserable again. I needed a day to cool off, really cool off, without J-Dog, without Johnny, without Danny, without Funny and most certainly without Charlie. So instead of reentering the room the interview was in after five to ten minutes, I pulled up my hood and walked off into the darkness. 

-

After a good hour of wandering around, I found a small space in a back alley that was protected from rain and wind, even though it wasn’t bad weather at the moment at all. I couldn’t be too careful. I was also out of sight, so that the guys (if they even bothered looking for me) weren’t gonna find me that easily.

_You’re fucking worthless._

I wanted to disagree, I wanted to fight the voices in my head, but it was no use. I was tired, heartbroken and lonely. I had the right to give in for now. So without hesitating any more I pulled out my pocket knife and watched how the light reflected on the blade. Then I pushed it against my skin.


	7. Saviour Of The Week

_POV: Charlie Scene_

“Where’s Kurlzz now?”, I asked Danny when our drummer didn’t return to the interview, not even after it had ended. I knew that DaKurlzz wasn’t a fan of talking with strangers, so it didn’t surprise me when he stood up with a lame excuse and left, but he usually came back after some minutes, or at least he was waiting in front of the door, smoking. But now he wasn’t there either. The interviewer told us that there was no backdoor. Slowly but surely I was starting to freak out. He couldn’t just be gone, could he? But the others seemed to stay calm about it and said he would probably be on the tour bus, even though our manager (who we had called as well) said he hadn’t seen him around.

“Guys, I’m fucking serious now! He’s not on the bus, at least Jim hasn’t seen him, and he isn’t here! I’m fucking worried, okay? So could you actually help me or are you just gonna stand there?” 

Immediately, I had all the attention on me, Funny Man smirking lightly. 

“What is so funny, Dylan?”   
“Charlie, if it would be anybody else, you would be the first one to say they’ve just gone to a bar to get shitfaced. But with DaKurlzz, you’re not accepting that as a possibility.” 

“That’s not true … it’s just that you’re more likely to get drunk than DaKurlzz. He never really wants to drink until he passes out, why would he suddenly?”   
Thinking about it, I had to admit that I maybe freaked out a bit when it came to the drummer. But I wasn’t the only one. The others just always worried about Danny and J-Dog instead of DaKurlzz. How was that any different? Just because it was more of them? Fuck it, I had to find him quickly. Something told me that he wasn’t just enjoying life to the fullest at the moment. 

“Please, just help me find him! If he is only drunk in a pub, you can enjoy your fucking life, but I have a feeling he isn’t …” 

Honestly, I expected them to ignore me again, but they didn’t. Instead, Danny placed his hand on my shoulder, smiling softly. 

“Of course we’re gonna help you find him, man. He’s our friend, too. And I know that he wouldn’t go to a club, we just wanted to give him five minutes or so to eventually come back from getting cigarettes or something.”  
I knew that I probably freaked out too soon, but in the end I didn’t care. Now I was just happy that they wouldn’t be dicks about it and just help me out. But I could also see their reason not to join me immediately. Getting cigarettes was actually a pretty good guess where I could’ve been. 

“We should probably check the nearest shop and ask them if they saw him”, J-Dog suggested, already opening the door for us to leave. Lacking any better idea, I just nodded. 

\- 

Nobody around had seen him, except for a young mother with her daughter. She said she saw him walk towards the back entry of a known club close by. But we had already been in there and neither the barkeeper nor the DJ had seen him. We still thanked the lady and decided to walk back to the club, maybe he would be around there somewhere. 

“Now this gets really freaky”, Funny Man mumbled, his joking had died down completely by now. Our tour manager promised to keep in contact with us, but look around if he would see him anywhere. 

“We should check the back door. Maybe he just found a dealer …”, Johnny suggested.  
“Why would he need to find a dealer? We have enough dope on the bus”, I argued, but I agreed to checking anyways. I would take any lead we could get at the moment. 

-

I was about to give up and tell Johnny that DaKurlzz wasn’t around, when I heard Danny curse under his breath. I followed his gaze and noticed DaKurlzz (or at least a pile of his clothing with his hair on top, it wasn’t a noticeable human being at the moment) in the corner, propped up against the wall.   
“Is he knocked out?”, J-Dog asked quietly.   
I slowly walked up to him and shook his shoulder. He didn’t open his eyes to look at me, but he groaned quietly, making me breathe out in relief. At least he was alive. 

“DaKurlzz! Look at me, mate!” 

“Charlie?”, he croaked out and I grinned like crazy, pulling him closer. Immediately, he wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing his face in the crook of my neck. Apparently, he didn’t hate me anymore … 

“What are you doing here?”

Before I had a chance to answer, or to ask why he would ever question us coming after him when he ran away, J-Dog beat me to it:

“Well, we were finishing the interview, but our drummer was missing, so of course we decided to look for our brother until we found him. A young lady had seen you walk in this direction … although we thought we’d find you high on something and not rotting in a small corner in the back alley.” 

“Why would I be high?”  
“I don’t know, why would you sit in a corner with noting to do?”, I asked back, taking in appearance. His eyes were slightly reddened and there were drying tear tracks on his cheeks. He looked pale, a bit sick. Altogether he looked like complete shit. He looked like he had spent the last weeks alone at home, mourning for someone and trying to dull his pain with pills and alcohol. But he had achieved that look in an hour or two. Whatever had been the reason he ran away from us, it got too him. And it was painful to watch him fall apart this easily.

“What happened to you?”, I asked quietly, letting him lean against me again. It was obvious he was too worn out to stand up on his own yet or even sit up straight. 

“I just … I don’t know … I freaked out …”   
“Yeah, I can see that, but why?”   
“Don’t know. Just … he was expecting me to answer … I don’t know … my mind was going crazy about that …”   
It was obvious he was lying and judging by the looks from the others, they knew as well. But if DaKurlzz didn’t want to talk I wasn’t going to force him just yet, he would break. So I decided to let it go for now. I would still talk to him later.


	8. Loving You Was Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised here is the new chapter ... trigger warning, but nothing too descriptive.

_POV: DaKurlzz_

Somehow the guys had managed to find my hiding spot, get me back to the bus, but not notice the still bleeding cuts on my arms. Lucky me, I guessed. Until now I had managed to keep in any sign of physical pain as well, not completely of course, but the guys blamed most on my mind that was still fucking me up. I didn’t blame them for not seeing through my façade, I was glad. This way, they didn’t want to check me for any injuries. Therefore, nobody blinked an eye when I excused myself to the small bathroom for a shower. They thought I wanted to get rid of the dirt on the street, but I wasn’t worried about that. I was more concerned that they would notice the blood on my sleeves. I honestly was surprised that Charlie didn’t notice earlier, but then again Charlie was oblivious as fuck. So the real surprise was that J-Dog didn’t see. He didn’t say anything, but he also didn’t look at me like we needed to talk. Of course I was happy he didn’t know, but out of the band he would be the one most likely to understand, followed by Danny. those were the only ones to talk to seriously without being mocked or screamed at. But still, I would never find the courage inside of me to come up to them. 

-

The hot water running down my skin calmed me down, making me forget about Charlie for a second, but the cuts on my arm still screamed for attention. I was about to cover them with a towel after I had disinfected them, but before I had done that, the door opened and I had no time to cover anything or hide the blood in the shower. But just as quickly as the door had been opened, Danny came inside and closed it again, unintentionally hiding me from anybody else’s view. As soon as he saw me, he sighed quietly. I knew I looked pathetic, but I couldn’t move. 

“Dammit Kurlzz …”, he whispered quietly, walking up to me to take a closer look at my arms. Not waiting for an answer, he started to grab a first aid kid, wrapping up my wrists in white gauze.  
“Why did you really run away?”  
“I couldn’t stand their constant flirting”, I admitted quietly, looking down. Danny knew I had a massive crush on Charlie anyways, there wasn’t a reason to come up with a bad lie. The singer carefully pushed my head up to make me look at him again.   
“You should’ve talked to us …”  
“Didn’t want to be a bother.” 

Danny shook his head, smiling softly at me once again. 

“You’re no more a bother than the rest of us.”  
“But you guys write lyrics, you sing, your rap. We have another drummer. You and Jay can scream. What the fuck do you need me for?” 

“Matty, being in a band isn’t only about singing and writing songs. The fans love you, because you seem to be so shy in front of them. Johnny likes you because he can scream at you and won’t get punched in the face. Funny loves you because you cover him when Charlie’s after him again. Jay loves you because you can simply listen to him and not comment everything. I love you because you are like an older brother who’s constantly looking out for me. Charlie loves you because without you he would be bored as fuck and have nothing to do with his life.”  
A single look of me shut him up quickly. 

“Don’t say he loves me. He doesn’t. He hates my fucking guts.” 

Sighing quietly, Danny pushed some hair out of his face, while helping me put on a clean sweater and making sure that the other guys wouldn’t see my wrists.  
“What if I told you that maybe he’s just fucking insecure?” 

“I wouldn’t believe you.”  
“Yeah, I guessed that. But trust me, he wants to know why you are avoiding him. I know that he’s oblivious as fuck, but you know, he doesn’t hate you. You’re probably most important to him in this band. Don’t talk yourself down about him, just know that he needs you. If he lost you, I’m sure he wouldn’t survive that.”

“I’m sure he’ll find someone to keep drinks from him.”  
“Oh, I’m not talking about a drunk accident. I’m talking about him killing himself.”  
“He wouldn’t.”   
“At the moment, no. But if you topped yourself? He would immediately.”   
I laughed quietly, shaking my head again. 

“I admire that you try to see all the positive aspects about everything, but don’t bother. This case is lost.” 

Without waiting for a reply I left the bathroom, making all the guys look at me again. 

“What were you two doing in there so long?”, J-Dog asked, his eyes hinting me that he had a pretty good idea, but he didn’t voice his thoughts. Before I could answer him, Funny Man jumped in: “I bet you were blowing him!” 

I was blushing and I couldn’t help it, but luckily I didn’t have to think of a good coverup, because Danny stood up behind me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. 

“Yeah, well, we didn’t do any sexy stuff, I just checked if he needed some help, well, actually I just needed to pee, but I noticed that he bruised his back quite badly so I helped him disinfect that.”  
“Why didn’t you say something?”, Charlie asked, actually looking worried.  
“I didn’t know how bad it was …”

The guys seemed to accept Danny’s story and I was pretty sure that I couldn’t be more thankful. 

“How are you feeling now, Matty?”, Johnny asked softly, looking up from his book.   
“I’m fine. Sorry for freaking you out earlier …”  
J-Dog stood up, walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me.   
“It’s alright. You’re here now and you’re safe.” 

I nodded against his shoulder, hugging him back and enjoying his comfort. Just when I was about to zone out, he leaned closer again and whispered softly, still scaring me more than anything the others could think of: “We’ll have a talk later.” 


	9. Watched Me Go Down

_POV: Charlie Scene_

Something changed when we found DaKurlzz again. J-Dog and Danny became very careful around him. Of course, they were the first ones to take care of him when he was upset, or anyone in that matter, but it didn’t seem to be the regular comforting touch once in a while. They were watching him closely, as if they were suspecting him to explode. I was sick of it. Not that I didn’t want them to be there for him or something, hell no, but I wanted to know what was going on. And the only way to find out was to get DaKurlzz to talk to me, because I knew that Jay and Danny were very careful with any information they passed on. So I needed to make him go out with me again, to stop ignoring me. That was my next plan.

\- 

“Matty! Stop laying around! I wanna talk to you!” 

He groaned in response, pulling a pillow over his head, but today, I wasn’t having any of this shit, so I just continued shaking him, until he finally looked at me, clearly pissed. 

“What for God’s sake do you want to talk about?”

“Us. What else? I want this endless fight to stop. Just please, come with me, a chill night out, a nice club. No band. Just us two.”

I expected him to be happy, to agree immediately, but he simply stared at me. 

“Well, what do you think, Kurlzz?”

Now he slowly got up, moving a little too close to me for my liking, but I didn’t step back. 

“I think that you can take that stupid idea and shove it up your ass. I don’t need to get drunk with you only to be used as a reflection of your inner horny teenager! Take some slut to fuck at night and leave me alone! Do you think I wanna go through all that again? Listen to you throw into my face that I’m meaningless! I’ve had enough of your shit! You can drink your fucking alcohol alone!”

That was surprising. He usually didn’t snap at people unless we were making gay jokes about him again. But I hadn’t said anything for that matter. Was he still so embarrassed about what happened last time? Why? Had I been that bad of a kisser? 

“What?”

“Oh, you heard me, you selfish prick! First acting like I was crazy for ever going out to drink with you, but then wanting me to do it again? Do you want anything else than me making a fool of myself? I “ain’t drinking with you around for a while now, if it only ends in you ignoring me and tearing me apart. And you in a club when I’m sober isn’t something I ever want to see. I don’t care what you want of me, but I ain’t having your shit anymore.” 

Okay, so he was freaking out. He was only a second away from losing his shit completely. And I had no idea how to stop that from happening. 

“DaKurlzz, you’re still my homie! We were both drunk and reckless, don’t freak out about this!”  
“Don’t freak out? Don’t freak out?! Damn, you still have no fucking clue what you did to me, right? You ruined me! You ripped my heart out and kicked it away. Do you know how bad that hurt? I have enough trouble getting to know someone who would be willing to go out with me, I don’t need my friends to joke about it!” 

“Why didn’t you tell me that sooner?” 

“Why didn’t I tell you? Because you don’t understand what I mean now, you didn’t understand it then. I don’t wanna waste my time trying to make you see it. I’m tired. I’m tired of having to see your face every morning.” 

“What’s wrong with my face?”

Did he actually hate me that much? That he couldn’t stand seeing me … Had I become the new Deuce in his eyes? That was the last thing I had ever wanted. I didn’t care what the others in the band thought about me, but DaKurlzz shouldn’t hate me. He was the only one with an opinion I truly cared about. The drummer was quiet, yes, but he always thought about what he should say. His responses were rare, but logical. 

“Everything! Just fucking everything! You can’t leave me alone for one minute, can you? You always want to make sure that I know what you think of me. And that seems to be very low. I got it. I’m the useless one. You’re the badass rockstar. No need to keep rubbing it in my face. I know that you hate me and that I have no chance of ever deserving your friendship.” 

By the end of his speech, he looked down in shame, trying to cover up his eyes and cheeks with his dark curls, even though I could see the tear tracks on his face. And I had caused all of it. Somehow I had managed to make him feel like he was the worst person on this earth, even though he was the best.

“You got me wrong! You’re amazing. The best friend I ever had in my life. I couldn’t care more for anybody in the band. I’m hoping to get you to have some fun again and not bring you down. I’m sorry I hurt you. I really am. And I know that I’m too oblivious to help you, but if you can believe, that I never meant to harm you in any way, that everything I did was to enlighten you, then talk to me. Tell me what you need.”

Now he finally looked at me again, letting me wipe away his tears and wrap my arms around him tightly. DaKurlzz hid his face in the crook of my neck quickly, not able to stop his crying.

After five minutes, his breath steadied again, but he didn’t let me go. Not that I minded, not at all.

“Promise me one thing.”  
“Sure. What is it?”  
“Don’t force me to go out to drink with you again … I … I can’t deal with it right now … Just don’t …”  
I frowned at him, but nodded slowly.  
“Anything for you.”


	10. There's A Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day later than expected, but here it is ... I hope you enjoy it! Feedback is always welcome!

_POV: Charlie Scene_

After DaKurlzz had finally calmed down again, I stayed by his side until he doze off again, then closed the curtains to his bunk and walked into the front lounge to get myself something to drink. There, only Danny was sitting on a couch, looking up at me slowly. 

“Charlie! Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Shrugging, I opened a can of beer and placed myself down next to him.   
“What’s up, Danny-boy?”  
“Ask Matt out.” 

I froze, almost choking, before I was able to even glance at him. I knew I was blushing like crazy, and judging from the smile on his face he saw. 

“What?”  
“You like him, he likes you, damn it, now get a grip and ask him on a fucking date. I thought that maybe it would be too risky, but DaKurlzz is doing shitty, he needs it”, Danny explained, more quietly and looking down at his hands. 

“Doing shitty? I know he’s upset, but …” 

“I’m not talking about simply upset, Charlie. He never hurt his back.” 

Danny had to be joking! There was no fucking way that DaKurlzz hurt himself and I didn’t notice! I hugged him for an eternity for fuck’s sake, I would’ve, I should’ve noticed any trace of open wounds on his body. Apparently, Danny could read my mind, because he placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. 

“It’s not your fault, he hid it really well. I just saw when I entered the bathroom without warning him beforehand.” 

“I should have noticed!”   
“Charlie, we all didn’t know. There was no way for you to see that his black sweatshirt was bloody or to tell that your shirt was getting soaked somewhere else than your shoulder. It was impossible to see, don’t blame yourself. We just need to help him get over it, now, we can’t leave him alone like that. And he’s crushing on you so badly, I think that would work. I wouldn’t ask you normally, but I know that you want to and just are too insecure to do it, but please! He needs you now.” 

I shook my head slowly, trying to take in anything that Danny had just told me. 

“He’s better off without me …”  
For a second, Danny looked too tired to reply anything, but then he sighed quietly. 

“That’s seriously so fucking stupid. I know that you aren’t exactly the stereotypical boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t be able to take care of him.”  
“Why don’t you and Jay handle the situation? I would trust you a lot more with him …”   
“Charlie, this isn’t about who’ the group therapist, this is about who DaKurlzz would trust the most.” 

Now I had to keep myself from actually laughing. Trusting me was as dangerous as trusting an atom bomb. I was no better, I would detonate after some time and hurt him more than anything ever before. He thought that after some girlfriends, after some fights with his parents, after Deuce that nothing could be worse, but … well, there was a reason why I kept pushing him away. I just wanted to run after him, to kiss him, to make him feel better again. 

“Then what the fuck are you actually still waiting for?”, Danny asked, chuckling quietly. I hadn’t even realised I had been talking out loud. I guessed there were worse things to do. 

But what was I actually waiting for? Why didn’t I just man up and ask DaKurlzz out? Fear of rejection was no argument with our drummer, he really wasn’t that kind of man and besides, he was openly gay, so he couldn’t really give me shit for it. Nobody in the man would. Sure, there would be jokes, a lot of jokes, but they didn’t hurt. And after years of pretending to be Johnny’s boyfriend, watching Danny and J-Dog pretend to be more than bros and Funny Man basically being the only one to constantly joke about women, I could be 100% sure that nobody in the band was homophobic. So that wasn’t what I was afraid of. To be honest, I couldn’t really find an answer at all to Danny’s question. All band members were the most understanding bros in the world, management didn’t care anymore and the fans liked our fake relationships, why should they hate a real one? The only thing that would actually react negatively was Deuce and his gang. Yes, I did just call them a thing. And seriously, their words didn’t hurt anymore. They did in the beginning, when we were still kinda thinking of Deuce as our friend, but by now they were simply annoying. Him calling me a faggot for another reason didn’t bother me. It would be childish to get angry about it. He knew that I wasn’t the straightest man on earth anyways, he mocked me for being a fag because I faked dating Johnny, he didn’t have any playroom to hurt me in any way anymore. He couldn’t break me with his jealous, hateful words. Until now I had always gotten angrier about him insulting my friends (and my crush) than him insulting me. Somehow I still got protective over them, even though I knew that they didn’t listen to it anymore. Not even Danny did, and he had been most troubled by these lyrics in the beginning. It was understandable, he had had a rough start and the old singer hating him didn’t really improve the situation. Damn, I was drifting off again, Danny wasn’t my problem at the moment. He was a friend trying to get me to date my longtime crush and I knew that he meant well, I just didn’t think that I would do DaKurlzz any good. As long as he thought that I was unreachable, he wasn’t going to be let down by my horrible dates, forgetting the anniversaries and not being able to have a decent dinner. Probably others would think to leave, but I couldn’t do that! I couldn’t leave the band behind … I knew that I would actually hurt him even more with it, and I would hurt the others. We had already lost our singer, I didn’t think that the band would survive losing another member. This wasn’t about the band not surviving without me in particular, but when Deuce left, we had Danny as a joker, now we had nobody. We wouldn’t survive anybody leaving at this point. We were all in our thirties (except for little Funny Man of course) and we stayed in the band, because we were with our bros, but we wouldn’t continue being in it if one of us decided to leave. After Deuce was kicked out, J-Dog had thought about it and I was sure that Johnny had, too, but both agreed to stay in it for the band’s sake. Now I had to make sure that DaKurlzz stayed, too. That I didn’t scare him away. 

“So … will you ask him?”, Danny suddenly asked expectantly, staring at me with his wide puppy eyes. 

“Yeah … I think I will … but I’ll try to get him to go out with me as friends first, then I will make my move. No reason not to try.”  
Danny beamed and jumped in the air. He sure was happy about my decision. Maybe it was the best thing to do. 


	11. No Bone(r) Movies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a bit longer to write this one because fucking school, but here it is. I hope you like it!

_POV: DaKurlzz_

I knew that Danny had tried talking to Charlie before, but that was no good anyways. What did he think he could do? Change him completely? Even Danny would have to realise that that was a dream and nothing more. But apparently, this time, I was wrong about him, because it wasn’t long after lunch (where I had a lot of time ignoring his jokes and talking to J-Dog) that Charlie pushed back the curtain of my bunk again, offering me a can of beer. 

“Drink?”  
“What do you want, Charlie?”

Spending years of my life with him, I knew that whenever he would bring someone alcohol, he wanted a favour in return. I didn’t care at the moment, but he should just come up to me and ask, not play the innocent role. Not that anybody would ever believe he was innocent … all the bitches knew who he was for God’s sake. 

“I want you to get up and follow me.”  
“What’s broken? Did you forget your password for your phone again?”  
“Nothing’s broken. And come on, that was one time!”

He paused for a second, careful to avoid my glare.   
“Maybe two …”  
“Yeah, maybe two, probably one hundred times. What do you need now?” 

“Just follow me. You don’t have to work or something, please!”  
Knowing that resisting him wasn’t much good either, so I sighed, getting out of the bunk slowly, careful not to hurt my head. Not that that would have ever happened to me before … 

“Why don’t you just tell me?” 

“Ugh, where’s the fun in that? But if you need to know: Movie night. We’re doing a movie night, Kurlzz!”

“You’re such a girl!”, I groaned, but honestly, a movie night with Charlie didn’t sound too bad. No movie night sounded bad at all. I just loved movies. I didn’t care if it was romantic crap, action loaded or drama, as long as it was a movie. Of course, I had my favorites, but I would sit through all Twilight movies if it meant not having to do anything else. Even though it sounded strange, I would rather watch movies all night than go to a restaurant on a date. 

“Dude, I got you, didn’t I?”, Charlie chuckled, looking at me. 

“What?”  
“Just, man, your eyes are shining, you look so happy right now!”

“Don’t get me wrong, Charlie, this isn’t forgiveness. It’s my love for movies, you idiot!” 

“Are you sure that Danny would get this look if he asked you?”

“Yes.” 

That was a complete lie. Danny would never have this effect on me, but I was certainly not admitting that to him. If I would, he would become too confident in his abilities again and be a complete asshole. Yes, the pained expression flashing his eyes hurt me, but I could live with that pain. Letting him in my head would be much more painful than this. I couldn’t allow myself to give him that quickly. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t.

-

“What about Broke Back Mountain?”, Charlie asked, holding up the DVD. 

“You wanna watch a movie about gay cowboys with me? Is this another one of your jokes?” 

“No! I just … I just never saw it.”  
Now I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“You didn’t?” 

“Nope. Not yet.” 

I jumped up from the couch and pushed the DVD in the player, barely giving him enough time to sit down, before I was flopping down next to him. 

“Then I’ll have to show you. It’s a classic man!”

Charlie grinned, nodding slowly, before slowly placing his arm around my shoulders. When he noticed me staring at him, he shrugged, not moving at all.  
“It’s a long movie. Time to get comfortable”, he mumbled as an excuse, blushing a little. He looked kinda cute now … wait, no, I wasn’t thinking that! He was dangerous. I had to keep my distance! But at the same time, his chest looked really comfortable, I was tired and cold, so after some seconds of hesitation, I laid my head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat speed up which made me chuckle a little. The movie hadn’t even started when Charlie started to play with my curls, making me become more sleepy with every second. Not that I hadn’t just gotten out of the bunk, but I was always tired and the fights in the last days didn’t help my mind. 

“Sleepy, Kurlzz?”, Charlie asked, grinning widely. 

“Not at all”, I tried to argue, fighting to keep my eyes open. Charlie simply laughed, staring at the screen.  
“You know, you can just fall asleep here.”

“You sure? Wouldn’t that ruin the movie night?”

Charlie smiled softly, shaking his head. 

“I just wanted to get you out of your bunk. I don’t care what you’re doing.”  
“If you say so”, I mumbled, turning my head to ignore the light coming from the TV when Charlie turned the volume down and started humming softly, even though it was off-key. I couldn’t care less. My muscles began relaxing and with the quiet voices coming from the movie and the soft humming directly over my head with the vibrating of Charlie’s chest and his fingers in my hair, I quickly fell asleep. I drifted off into a land of dreams, a land with no devastation, a land full of love. A land where Charlie wasn’t making jokes about me all the time. And in that land of dreams, a warm breeze touched my forehead and a careful whisper could be heard in the wind: “I love you. Don’t leave me.”


	12. Golden Days

_POV: Charlie Scene_

Things were much better between Kurlzz and me after the movie night, he didn’t avoid me as much and I made sure not to lose him by making jokes again. Apparently, he had calmed down again and I remembered Danny’s words, that I should ask him out and I said that I would do it after this movie night as friends, which meant that I would have to soon. I didn’t have another argument against it at the moment, either, because he didn’t ignore me anymore. Still, I knew that he wouldn’t let me in too quickly, he was still being hesitant, maybe afraid that I would only make out with him when we were both drunk. I had to ask him out for lunch. That was the easiest thing to cover up being in love with him AND it covered his wish of not going out to party. It was perfect. 

-

When I walked into the back lounge, DaKurlzz and Danny were sitting there, our singer pointing out something on the drummer’s jeans. They both looked up quickly as soon as they noticed me. 

“What are you doing? Both of your fashion choices are horrible, you don’t even have to compare.”

Danny laughed, shaking his head. 

“Nah, just saying that DaKurlzz needs new pants. These are older than me, man.” 

“Does Matty need to do some shopping?”, I asked teasingly, but Kurlzz only nodded, not looking at me. 

“Apparently, if both of you think that. But when do I have time for that?”  
“Well, we’re in Boston in half an hour, there should be some clothing store for you”, Danny suggested, turning away from us to check his phone for any messages from his wife. 

“Alright, then I’ll check that out later. Will you come with me, Charlie? I need someone to assist me, since you said that my style choices were all so horrible.” 

Did he really just ask me to go with him? How was that supposed to end? The last week, he had ignored me and barely talked to me unless I basically forced him to and now he wanted me to go with him, even though Danny was sitting right next to him? I was in heaven. At least in my opinion. If I could choose, I would tag along with DaKurlzz every single day. 

“Would you just answer so that I don’t have to stand here for an hour?”, he asked impatiently, bringing me back to reality. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Danny laughing his ass off at the scenery. 

“Uh, sure, but only if you go to lunch with me.” 

Fuck that sounded so weird. 

“Of course …”  
“I mean, I’m starving, but I ain’t eating that stupid street food again, I want something a little fancier.”  
DaKurlzz raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Fancier?”  
“Well, DelTaco is fancy, right?”   
“Really? Again? Well, alright, then.”  
Danny shook his head, looking at us two. 

“You are adorable, but it’s worrying to think you somehow made it that far in life.”

We both flipped him off, before staring at each other and giggling quietly, leaving the room to make ourselves look a little more presentable for public areas. 

-

“So this one?”, DaKurlzz asked, showing me a pair of black skinny jeans. They were pretty tight, showing off his muscles and making my brain think of a little different things than buying clothing. 

“Absolutely.”  
“I don’t know, Charlie, they are a bit too skinny, don’t you think?”

“No, no, no, they’re great. You need to show what you have there, Kurlzz. Besides, they make your ass look amazing.”   
The drummer raised his eyebrows at me. That had just been awkward to add.

“If you want to stare at my ass you shouldn’t say it that loud or I will buy a different pair.” 

“Come on, Matty, don’t be ridiculous.” 

He chuckled, but apparently, he didn’t take my comment serious at all, so he bought them anyways, together with a light grey pair and some dark blue ones. Just to take the opportunity, I bought myself another white shirt for concerts. 

“So what do we do now?”   
“We can go back to the tourbus if you’d like. Tomorrow is another concert, so we shouldn’t be up too late and Danny asked me to help him with some things”, Kurlzz suggested. Not having another idea that didn’t involve drinking, I agreed quickly and followed him. While he started talking with Danny about new sound effects for the screaming parts and some track editing methods, I went back to the bunks and sat down in my own, listening to Rage Against The Machine over my headphones and letting my mind drift off into nothingness. Well, there still was DaKurlzz’ smile everywhere, but that just was a part of paradise. I mean, have you seen him? He really brightened up the mood wherever he was, but the sad thing was that his smiles were rare. Sure, his sarcastic grin was shown everywhere, but his true smile? Unknown to most people on earth. It was a pity. Today he hadn’t hesitated to show it, though, so I set my goal to making him smile more often. The concert tomorrow was my chance to do it. I wouldn’t ask him out during the concert, that would be awkward and outing him without his agreement, but afterwards. I wanted the guys to witness it. I wanted them to know what his reaction was, to tell me what my blinded mind wouldn’t notice. But I couldn’t let him know beforehand, he had to be surprised … I was sure that I would get no sleep until I had my plan set up. Tomorrow would be the best day of my life. 


	13. You're The Bottom Of My Joke

_POV: DaKurlzz_

“At least we have Kurlzz as our gay stylists. Although his style is hideous”, Charlie joked, barely glancing at me. I should’ve known that as soon as we would be back on stage, he would continue mocking me. Why did I ever believe he would change? How could I have been so fucking stupid? 

“Don’t lose your cool, Matt, he’s joking”, J-Dog whispered quietly into my ear, once he noticed my pissed of expression. 

“I know. Doesn’t make me hate him less. I thought he was over it.” 

Suddenly, J-Dog smiled and patted my back.   
“Maybe he wants to confess his love to you”, he chuckled, before leaving me by myself again to change his guitars. Since when was he so fucking giddy about that? Charlie would rather die than date me. 

-

Directly after the concert I just wanted to go in my bunk and sleep, but apparently Charlie had different plans, because he held me back and told the others to stay as well. 

“What do you want, Charlie? I’m cold!” 

“Please, just listen to me for a minute. I-I know that you hate me right now, but please …”

I nodded slowly, motioning for him to go on. 

“I know that you think I hate you for something that you can’t change or influence, or that I don’t know you have a crush on me, but you’re so fucking wrong. I just love you so fucking much. And I know that it’s childish of me to mock you to get you to notice me, but who am I to say that I would be mature at any time? All these jokes, they’re all about you because everything in my life is about you in the end. When you ignored me, that was the hardest time of my life. I though that I would suffocate, but no matter what a dick I was, you still hang out with me. I know that kissing you and then ignoring it was wrong, but I honestly didn’t remember. I thought that you would hate me for being so horny back then, but honestly, I would love to repeat that night over and over again, with less alcohol just so I can remember every fucking detail. And I’m sorry I kissed Johnny during that interview, but you know that we always faked a relationship and it’s just fun and games. You, however, aren’t. You are so fucking important to me and I don’t wanna know where I’d be without you. Probably sleeping under a bridge somewhere. You are the one keeping me sane, although you make me go crazy again. Whenever you are around, my heart beats faster and I wanna push you against the wall to kiss you, but I know that you’re the shier kind of guy, so I held myself back. Now, I think that I really got nothing to lose, so I’m going full frontal. Will you be my boyfriend?”

I was stunned, unable to move. Tears were threatening to spill as I willed them back. 

“C’mon, Matty, say something”, Charlie mumbled, looking away from me. 

Still not able to speak, I pulled him closer, pressing my lips onto his. Everything around us vanished, until we broke apart, gasping for air. Charlie laughed and wrapped his arms around me, letting my bury my face in his shoulder as I started crying quietly. 

“I guess that means yes …”  
I nodded against him, trying to regain my composure while he stroke my hair lovingly. 

“Well, guys, I’m really fucking happy for you, but I’m off to bed now. I’m freezing”, Johnny chuckled, moving away from us with the others, but I didn’t want to move. 

“You wanna go inside, too?”  
“No.”   
“But I thought you were cold”, Charlie laughed. 

“Not anymore. You’re warm.” 

The rapper chuckled and hugged me even tighter, before pushing my head upwards to look at him, frowning when he noticed the tears still falling. 

“Why are you crying?”

“I’m just … I thought you’d never ask …”, I mumbled, blushing wildly as I wiped my eyes. 

“Well I did, so you have to live with it, now.” 

“Gladly.”   
Charlie grinned and kissed me again, pulling me towards the bus.

“C’mon, we’re gonna get a cold otherwise.”   
“If we have to …”

-

I was almost asleep in my bunk, when the curtains were pulled back and Charlie glanced inside.

“Are you asleep?”  
“No.”  
“Do you want a cuddle?”  
“Yes.”  
“Move over.”  
I did as told and Charlie crawled in behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist before kissing my neck. I closed my eyes again and tried to fall asleep, when Charlie spoke up again: “Do we actually have to wait until the third date to fuck? I’m really horny.” 

Chuckling, I turned around and pecked his lips, shaking my head.

Charlie laughed and nodded, kissing me back more passionately, but before he could think of doing something, Johnny pulled back the curtains again. 

“Not on my watch, you bastards. Wait until we’re out.” 

We both blushed badly as Johnny walked off again, laughing to himself.

“So we have to wait till tomorrow?”, I asked. 

“Nope. When did I ever listen to Johnny anyways?” 


	14. One Ring To Rule Them All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One year later ...

_POV: Charlie Scene_

“Darling, come on! We have to be on stage in five minutes!”

“Just one sec!”, I shouted back, packing away the small black box in my jeans pocket, before opening the door and pecking my boyfriend of a year, DaKurlzz, on the lips. 

“Beautiful as always, babe.”   
“Dudes! I’m almost throwing up!”, J-Dog complained half-heartedly, before handing them their microphones. 

“Bathroom is to your left”, I shot back. 

“Fuck off, Charlie!”

J-Dog chuckled quietly, but actually headed there, while I ran close to our stage entry where DaKurlzz was waiting for me, wrapping his arms around my waist. 

“Are you a girl or what took you so long?” 

“Shut up. I had to make some preparations. You’ll know soon enough”, I replied, pecking his lips. 

“Dude, I hate surprises.”  
“You’re gonna love that one.” 

Still pouting to himself, DaKurlzz shrugged and pushed me away slightly, pointing at our manager.

“We gotta go on stage now.”   
“Yeah …”, I mumbled, kissing him one more time. “I love you.”  
“I love you, too.”

-

It was close to the end of the set, when I looked over at Johnny and nodded slightly, making him grin, before he grabbed his mic. 

“Okay, so you guys all have been fucking awesome! But we aren’t done yet. Matty, just stand over there!” 

Our drummer frowned, but did as told anyways. Johnny hugged me tightly, mumbling quietly into my ear: “Don’t worry, he’ll say yes.”   
I smiled softly and nodded, making my way over to DaKurlzz.  
“Now, I know that it isn’t Valentine’s day today, but soon enough, so yeah. You all should know that Kurlzz and I’ve been dating for about a year and it’s been fucking awesome. But I hate all these people who say ‘I’m spending this day with my boyfriend’. Because isn’t that just kinda boring? The singles can complain about it all day long, that’s kinda funny. But don’t worry, Kurlzz, I ain’t breaking up with you. In fact, I wanna do the opposite.”   
DaKurlzz stared at me in complete shock, while I got down on one knee. The crowd was screaming, recognizing the setting and the guys looked just as nervous as I was. 

“Will you do me the honor, Matthew Alexis Busek, and change your fucking last name to mine because yours is so hard to pronounce when I’m drunk? Or in other words: will you marry me?” 

I stared down to the ground, revealing the simple silver ring in the box. But when I heard a quiet gasp I looked up to DaKurlzz grinning widely at me, one single tear streaming down his cheek as he started to nod slowly. 

“Yes, motherfucker, yes!”   
I laughed relieved, standing up again to kiss him passionately. He immediately responded, pulling me closer by my waist. 

“Couldn’t have done it sooner, could you?”

“Wouldn’t have been that funny!”, I exclaimed, kissing his nose. He frowned at me, before pushing me away slightly again, not before letting me put on the ring on his finger. 

“I hate you, Charlie.”  
“But you will marry me.”  
“Yeah … I’m kinda a masochist.”   
“Fuck off.”   
J-Dog laughing interrupted our bantering as he grabbed his own mic. 

“I don’t think I’ve witnessed a more romantic proposal … but I doubt you wanna show that to your kids.”  
“We’re gay, Jay, what kids?”, I asked back.

“You could adopt.”   
DaKurlzz and I looked at each other, before starting to laugh uncontrollably. 

“So J-Dog, you definitely don’t get a say in our family planning.”

He shrugged, clearly not giving a shit, before stating: “Before all your sex, let’s just continue this show! Next up is LEVITATE!” 

We grinned, moving to our original positions, but not before sharing another kiss that made all the others groan in annoyance. Not that we would give a shit. We were rebels. We were undead


	15. You Make Me Wanna Live Foreer

“You look awesome, dude, don’t worry about it!”, Danny chuckled, straightening Charlie’s tie before letting him look into the mirror himself. The white suit felt like a second skin to him, even though it looked weird to his own eyes. 

“Danny, what if he says no?”  
The singer laughed and shook his head. 

“Charlie, we’ve been over this, he won’t. He loves you. Why else should he have said yes in the first place?”

“Because …”, the rapper drifted off, not really having an argument. After all DaKurlzz was the one who had started everything as well. Why should he suddenly change his mind? 

“See? Just trust him on this one. He’s probably already waiting for you.”  
“Why do I have to be the chick?”  
“Just be happy you don’t have to wear a dress”, Funny joked, walking up behind him and ruffling his hair a bit so that it looked more natural again. 

“Guys? Where are you? Matty’s waiting!”, J-Dog complained, poking his head in. 

“We’re coming!”, Danny replied, getting rid of the last folds on the suit that weren’t supposed to be there as Charlie took a deep breath to calm himself down. Then the group of three left the dressing room, following J-Dog who had already started to walk back to the small church again. 

-

“Friends and Family of the grooms, welcome and thank you for being here on this important day.

We are gathered together to celebrate the very special love between Jordon Kristopher Terrell and Matthew Alexis Busek by joining them in marriage.

All of us need and desire to love and to be loved.

And the highest form of love between two people is within a monogamous, committed relationship.

Jordon and Matthew, your marriage today is the public and legal joining of your souls that have already been united as one in your hearts.

Marriage will allow you a new environment to share your lives together, standing together to face life and the world, hand-in-hand.

Marriage is going to expand you as individuals, define you as a couple, and deepen your love for one another.

To be successful, you will need strength, courage, patience and a really good sense of humor.

So, let your marriage be a time of waking each morning and falling in love with each other all over again”, the priest started, but Charlie and DaKurlzz were barely listening, staring at each other. 

“Please, Jordon; Do you, Jordon Kristopher Terrell, take Matthew Alexis Busek, to be your partner in life and sharing your path; equal in love, a mirror for your true self, promising to honor and cherish, through good times and bad, until death do you part?”

“I do.”  
“And Matthew; Do you Matthew Alexis Busek, take Jordon Kristopher Terrell, to be your partner in life and sharing your path; equal in love, a mirror for your true self, promising to honor and cherish, through good times and bad, until death do you part?”  
“I do.”  
The priest smiled genuinely, nodding slowly. 

“You may now kiss.”  
“Finally”, Charlie huffed quietly, making DaKurlzz giggle like a teenage girl, before he pressed his lips against the drummer’s. 

“I love you”, DaKurlzz whispered, making Charlie break out in the biggest smile imaginable while the other guys cheered for the two. 

“Never would have guessed”, Charlie joked back, kissing him again. 

-

“So you know, after the party comes the wedding night.”  
DaKurlzz laughed and pushed his husband back a little.

“Sometimes I think you only wanted to marry me to have better sex or something.”  
“I would like to say you’re wrong …”  
Shaking his head, the drummer kissed his husband lovingly, before he got up from the table and took Charlie’s hand in his. 

“Dance with me first?”  
Charlie nodded quickly, downing his champagne before heading to the dance floor with him.

“Who chose that wedding music?”  
“J-Dog. Why?”  
“Because I have the feeling that Slipknot isn’t the usual stuff …”, Charlie responded, chuckling to himself. 

“Hey, do you complain?”, Jay asked, showing up out of nowhere. 

“Oh no, just surprised.”

“You better be.”

-

Later that night they both laid in bed, staring at each other. Surprisingly, Charlie hadn’t jumped his husband yet.

“Kurlzz?”  
“What?”

“I just want you to know that I didn’t marry you for sex alone. I love you. I love your hair, I love how you get so pissed so easily, I love how you never get in much trouble and I love your style … okay the last one was a lie, but I think you understand. I hurt you so bad, but you let me back in and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. I don’t know why you did, but I love you for it. In your place, I would’ve punched your face in, but you never hurt me. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’m glad you’re in my life and I ain’t letting you go ever again.

“I love you too. You make me wanna live forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is the last chapter ... the story comes to an end ... I had fun writing it, I hope you liked reading it as well. Feedback is always appreciated ... I hope I hear from you all soon ...


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